New Things

I am embracing newness. New types of goals. New pursuits of what I deserve. A shift in my actions to match God and the universe. Today I had brunch. Yesterday I interview for a job with a salary that I have never even attempted. Doors have opened and my efforts are slowly beginning to mean something.

The Rope and the Wrist

The other day, one of my best friends said something that continues to echo in my head.

For two years, I stayed in a one sided, toxic relationship where I was constantly gaslighted, verbally attacked and even told to leave in the middle of a pandemic with nowhere to go. But I stayed after I moved out. I had convinced myself that he would change because I loved him so much.

He likened me fighting for this relationship to holding on to a rope that is wrapped around your wrist, cutting off your circulation. You need to let it go or you will cause irreversible damage.

I will be the first to admit that I let go of so many red flags. And he would always convince me that he didn't say or do what I was upset about, so for about a year, I began documenting those instances for my sanity. I recorded a few of his rants, screenshot a few of the texts and wrote down everything.

My "last straw" was when we had an argument and he pushed me to the ground and told me that I'm messed up because I didn't have my father growing up. I moved out quietly and stayed with a friend until my room was ready in a new place.

But of course, he apologized and said things would change. Why did I believe that? So we went back to the relationship. Same things all over again. Having him kick me out the car in the middle of nowhere in Georgia should have been IT. But I kept fooling myself.

It was always a struggle for me to have him accept my feelings. Like the time when I took him out for his birthday weekend, paid for everything and he still spoke to me aggressively. He told me that we needed to contact someone else (because my feelings were not valid). When we did, that person agreed that he needed to be careful about his tone in speaking to women.

Our Parents Had No Idea What They Were Doing Either

As I get older and learn new pieces of my mother's story, I grow sadder and sadder about her situation. I can empathize with her as I learn about the huddles on her path, her personality, thought process and even the impact of being abandoned by one selfish parent and ignored by the other.

Most recently,  I learned that my mom's work at the post office was a temporary gig that paid less than half of the equivalent of what I make today.  

I have started to recognize what I now know are mental illnesses in my mother--not just pure weakness as I had always thought. Our community ruins us and I wonder if my mom has been a victim of sexual assault, most black women have been and many of them underage to make things worse.

 I think about the bitter truth of her parents-- my grandparents-- a narcissistic, diva who is said to have run brothels, still shows off photos of all the men she dated back in the day, who left one daughter behind and gave up the other and a hard headed, verbally and physically abusive player who at 88, still can't keep his penis in his pants. THESE were my mother's parents. She was raised by her grandmother, who died before I was born, but in any case whether it be guilt or a need to control someone, both my grandparents flocked back into my mother's life when it was convenient as thought they never left.

I remember my grandmother trying to treat me like I was HER child as if it would make up for her absence during my mother's childhood. And I remember refusing to speak to my grandfather  after I got annoyed with him constantly belittling my mother. 

At some points I even treated her poorly as a child, whether its my fault for not knowing how to communicate or hers for not teaching me that's really a chicken or the egg situation.

Point is, I look at these factors and I pity my mother. Most people have no idea what they're doing when it comes to children but that is an understatement for my mother. I see this and I forgive her. I forgive her for not knowing how to raise me, she did what she could under pressure. I forgive her for constantly being irresponsible and having us get evicted. I forgive her even suggesting the idea of giving me up for adoption.... that one hurt me the most growing up but now I understand.

Everyone has their own stories. But the damage is done. Trauma is tricky and in my case, I don't think it was intentional. Generational curses, careless/poor parenting and mental illness can all be combined to result in trauma. Or maybe in other cases, our parents just had no idea what they were doing.

I Never Want to Feel This Way Again

 I never want to lay awake at 3 am on a Monday again, dreading 5 hours into the future and the following 8.

I never want to sit down in front of a pen again, only to realize that words just don't flow freely from my fingertips anymore because my passion is also my most unused skill.

I never again want to feel the sting of asking for an upward career trajectory blueprint and being gas-lit to stay in a lower place while those around me advance

I never again want to sit silenced while decisions that directly affect me are discussed behind closed doors, out of my control and out of my hands.

I never want to let money bind me to a building on fire, whilst I struggle for air against the smoke of mistreatment and a lack of freedom as my throat closes tighter

I never want to be the token again, never quite fitting in as my company opts to constantly put me under less experienced (white men)

Why Settling Will Come Back to Haunt You

It isn't the job you want, but you stay. The pay isn't too bad.
This isn't the partner for you, but you stay. At least he/she is good looking.
You ordered a burger but the waitress brought pizza. At least its food.
Every time we settle for something that we blatantly do not want, we not only lose out on a moment (or lifetime) of complete happiness but we set ourselves up for failure in bigger life decisions. While the burger pizza scenario isn't as life changing, settling for a job could indirectly cause an earlier death of your mind spirit and even body. Settling for someone could also do the same. Why miss out on a great job you enjoy or a fulfilling relationship?

Surviving a Pandemic

It's here.
The moment that we have all seen in movies and thought about what we would do to survive if placed in the main characters' positions.
Covid-19 has placed fear into the hearts of so many people. Rightfully so. It seemed almost every day for a month, someone I knew was losing a family member to the coronavirus. But here we are, day 60 of no gym and an almost complete shutdown of everything....and people are tired. People have literally given up and have started driving places, going outside and forcing normalcy.

The acceptance of loneliness

How many people have stayed in a toxic, unhealthy or just loveless relationship?
The relationship may not be going anywhere or it could be just plain toxic but you end up sitting idly by for weeks, months, years even--until things become unbearable--sometimes literally. Instead of cutting your losses and walking away you stay and stay, often times creating a new enemy in the process. Why is it so hard to shake hands, walk away and admit that it just wasn't a good fit? No hard feelings, those puzzle pieces just don't match. It can seem more painful to walk away than ending the situation. Is it loneliness? The fear that we will never find anyone else? Are we just comfortable?  Lazy? Maybe taking the time and risk to start over with someone new is just too daunting. But what if we are sacrificing our happiness and eventually our longevity by forcing relationships that aren't meant to happen? Is the idea that some of us are made to be alone too big a pill to swallow? What if we could find genuine happiness in ourselves, accomplish our life's purpose and even live longer simply by letting go and accepting the fact that not everyone dies married with children.