Our Own Toxic Traits

After about 2 years of the single life, once again I have failed on my mission of finding true love. And it was my own toxic behavior that did it.
Of course there were other flaws in the relationship but what I did was well....disgusting, manipulative and something that my abuser had done to me.
And I really didn't know that was in me--until it reared its monstrous head.
How is it that a victim of mental (sometimes physical) abuse could adopt habits from their abuser? I don't have the answer for this in particular but it is time for everyone--whether a victim of abuse or not-- to look inward. What toxic traits do you have? Manipulation seems to be the most common one, we can't help but to want things to go our way but we just cannot have our way every single time. Not only do toxic traits such as this one hurt our relationships but they hurt the people we love.
Truth be told I had fallen for this guy, rather quickly but it happened. And I had ruined it by trying to control the situation--control him.
Give up the control. If someone wants to do something, they do it. But by trying to force them, you are pushing them away and in a way creating false love--because they didn't choose to do it, you made them. Now you're still spending more energy on someone who doesn't want to invest in you of their own free will.....so in the end you're still losing.
Aside from manipulation, other toxic traits include: being judgmental, antagonistic, constant criticism, negativity, lack of empathy and unwillingness to apologize/admit wrongdoing.
I will leave you to understand how these other traits can damaging to the people you love. But also take a second to consider whether or not the people in your life also exhibit these behaviors.
Happy Reflecting!

A dead horse that needs beating--GO WITH YOUR GUT

Sometimes we get a gut feeling. From smaller instances like when you just KNOW you will need to pack an umbrella without having seen the weather or being outside and when it rains, you're the only one prepared--to bigger instances where you just know it would be a bad idea to take that side street and there ends up being a bad car accident down that exact street.
I'd like to believe that this gut feeling is our brain translating the information in our subconscious 

Lessons from England

It would be an understatement to say that my time in England has been less than perfect.
But with 3 days left until I return to Michigan, I thought that I should try to find the good in this experience and try to do some reflection. So here are some thoughts, ideas and lessons from my time in England:

Realism vs Romanticizing:  When we are getting closer to achieving a goal, going somewhere new, meeting someone new--we (or at least I did) tend to romanticize it. I did this with my move to England. I expected to get here, make a bunch of new friends, adjust quickly and love it! Unfortunately, quite the opposite happened. This lesson is tough because apparently there is a very thin line between optimism and romanticizing something new. Before I had even gotten here, I was already inquiring about staying 2 years instead of 1. I won't lie, I don't have the solution but I know what it isn't, it ISN'T thinking that meeting the goal or whatever new move is the solution to all your problems. I probably thought that moving to England would solve all my problems.....I have no idea why I thought this way. But moving here exacerbated my inner issues--something I never expected.
The Lesson: Be more realistic about making new moves. You can't really escape all your problems so suddenly. Especially internal ones.

Being Alone: Growing up an only child, it was difficult to find friends--much less good friends. And that is something that I've always carried with me. But somehow, living in England fueled me to have better standards for who I call a friend. I no longer accepted friends who constantly bailed, or who said mean cruel things to me. And I lived. I was alone for most of the time but I LIVED! For the first time in a while, I controlled my own time, learned how to get things done quickly and I was able to focus in on assignments when I needed to! Of course every now and then I wanted company but I chose to be alone over low quality people. This included guys in the area who wanted to play games--they were shut down instantly. I refused to let anyone toxic near me any longer. It didn't kill me and I got to spend more time getting to know myself. Years ago I hated being single and would have gladly stayed with a toxic man over being lonely on a Saturday night, so in many ways, this is the most surprising lesson for me.
The Lesson: Being alone won't kill you.

Cooking: Cooking can cost effective and healthier, if you're into that sort of thing.  Since I hated the food in England, I found myself cooking more often. Okay okay this was something I had began picking up before I left home but in England it was different. I didn't have access to the same things that I did back home so I began trying new things. For example, English "pancakes" are more like crepes. But I began experimenting with the "pancake mix" and a few other ingredients. Next thing I knew, I was enjoying chocolate banana protein pancakes with eggs for breakfast! I also discovered a new way to make oatmeal ("porridge"), a love for sweet potatoes, how to keep my chicken juicy and other tasty dishes. But this is more than just cooking. I was adapting to the differences in food here. I probably had no choice though, it would have been unrealistic (and unhealthy) to eat nothing but Five Guys and Mcdonald's the whole time. Adapting became easier when I embraced it--when I told myself that I had to experiment and do what it took to adjust. In this process, I created some awesome recipes and even found soaps that I will take back home with me.
The Lesson: Learn to adapt. Embrace it and it will come easier.

You Like What You Like, You Don't Like What You Don't Like: If nothing else, most situations--good or bad-- help us find a piece of ourselves, we just have to take time to look. Though I didn't find very many things that I liked in England, I was able to find a piece of myself in things that I didn't like. I was able to pinpoint the behaviors in people that were toxic for me, the behavior that I didn't want in a friend, a better idea of what I wanted for my future, where I wanted to live, etc. These may come off as negative things but with someone as indecisive as myself, figuring out what is acceptable to you and what isn't could be the difference in making a huge decision.
The Lesson: Each experience shows you something new about you--even if it shows you what is tolerable and what isn't.

Same Thoughts, Different Environment: Earlier, remember how I mentioned that I foolishly thought coming to England would solve my problems? Again, quite the opposite. Being in England forced me to continue facing old things that were unresolved. Somehow being in a different environment improved my overall judgement and critical thinking when it came to myself and the people in my life. Perhaps it could be attributed to spending more time alone or the lack of clutter at home but my ideas were much more clear, I didn't doubt myself either. For example there was a guy from home that I had a complicated situationship with. I was able to clearly see his intentions without cloudy judgement. I was also able to identify negative feelings I had about family members and why.
The Lesson: Sometimes we need a change in environment--whether we like it or not.

Home: I was trying so hard to leave home behind and here I am, not even a year later running back. I had so many bad memories there and I just wanted to escape. But that wasn't the solution. It is still home. I remember being so home sick that it made me physically sick sometimes. One time, I burst into tears after seeing a snapchat video of one of my friends back home driving through Detroit. I never knew how much I loved my city, my state, my country.
The Lesson: Home is where the heart is--no matter how much you hate it. There is nowhere quite like it.

Un coup de cœur--Toulouse

My experience with the French language goes back to early high school....before I even spoke a word of Japanese. Since then I have picked up French and dropped French time and time again. But over the years, I began to develop a negative feeling toward France and the French through bad experiences with French people, as well as stories from others.
Nonetheless, I made the trip to Toulouse. No, not Paris. Toulouse. Why, you ask? I was (and still am) fairly certain that Paris is not the place for me. Too many people, not enough space.... Having been to London, New York and Tokyo, I purposely picked Toulouse-- a much smaller place. And boy, I'm glad I did. Although I had been a little too strategic, planning just a one day trip, in the case that I didn't like Toulouse and wanted to leave.... Well it was the opposite.
Toulouse was a breath of fresh air to me. At first I was nervous as everything was in French once I left the airport....there would be no English to coddle me.
But as I began exploring, I quickly became excited at how the locals would speak to me in French once I spoke it to them! Many of them even tried to help me correct errors. And there was none of the awkward "I don't understand you" crap either. Even with my accent and all, they understood me and were very helpful. Only the main parts of Toulouse were "crowded" and even then, there wasn't anything too crazy. I had space to breathe, people were nice and I even met another American girl who showed me the whole town. Again--total shock. She showed me a place with amazing burgers and fries to die for. I was stuffed but I managed to cram a crepe into my stomach too. Honestly I had a list of things to do but I ended up going to 2 gyms, walking a lot and exploring Place du capitole. My day was so wonderful, I had to write it down here. I would love to visit Toulouse again soon.