Comfortably Uncomfortable--When Meeting A Goal Sucks.

I made it.
After dreaming about it for years, I was finally meeting not one--but TWO of my major short term goals that would be productive stops along my journey of being the best me. I had gotten accepted into a graduate program and I had moved to England.
But as the days rolled on and I was hitting the 2 week mark of living this dream, reality began to tug at me, destroying whatever high I had from having accomplished my goals.
Everything was wrong and that "everything" rolled up into one thing and presented itself as homesickness. It sat heavy in my stomach like bricks, weighing me down, making it hard to breathe, making it hard to get out of bed, making it hard to live almost.
As the weeks passed, I began to try to digest this brick--in other words, trying to break down why I was feeling the way I felt.
1. Who I am-- A lot things that made me back home were lost. My gym, my job,my routine, my reputation, my independence--all things that I could not bring with me to England.
2.Places I drew my confidence from-- Back home I was just learning to love myself and how to be assertive and confident. My self esteem was finally rebuilding. The process wasn't instant but I was happy to see changes in myself. But mistakenly, my sources of confidence weren't the best things-- the money I made, the car I drove, my apartment, my lifestyle and worst of all, the admiration I had gotten from so many people because of those things. These are all wonderful things but confidence needs to come from somewhere inside us because when those superficial things are gone, so is our confidence. And then we have to start all over--just the way I have to now.
3..Romanticizing Goals--Did I romanticize my goals too much? This is normal. When we make a goal, we visualize the positives about meeting the goal. Not what comes after or the additional work that comes with meeting the goals. So I had to sit and ponder what I imagined life would be like as a grad student in England. I think I did. I had assumed that things would go smoothly, I didn't even consider that my teachers would be anything less than great or that the locals might not be very friendly.
After a few rude awakenings and awkward culture shock situations, I asked "what did I do back home to start showing myself love?" That was what I had forgotten! My happiness! I was so busy with everything that I forgot to continue being nice to myself. Although I have to start this journey over somewhat, this time I know it will be genuine things that I can take with me where ever I go! Meeting a goal can be harder than not meeting it but in order for us to grow, we need to learn to be uncomfortable. I have decided to work on adapting and learning to be comfortably uncomfortable.

A Dreaded, Unexpected 1AM Phone Call....

I'm sure you've heard "Nothing Good Happens After 12 AM". Well let me change that up. "Nothing Good Happens After 1AM When You Receive An Unexpected Phone Call"
Think about it. If someone is calling you out of the blue at 1AM,chances are that A. someone died or is in the hospital, B. The ex that you would least like to hear from is calling or C. someone has the wrong number.....and they're drunk (which isn't the worst thing on this list but its still annoying).
Guess which one I got?
B. The ex that I despised, the ex that ripped my self-esteem into shreds, the ex that ripped a huge gaping hole into my trust and shook my very foundation as a woman was calling me at 1:05AM.
I looked at the phone and then back at my computer screen.It stopped vibrating and the screen had gone blank. I smirked and continued what I was doing. But when the phone started vibrating again, I huffed and rolled over to answer it in the rudest way possible.
 He was calm and poised, ignoring my snarkiness and foul language,informing me that he was sitting with a detective and that I was a suspect in his home being burglarized.
In the total 5 minute phone call, I spoke to my ex maybe 1 minute before he handed the phone to the officer.
But this call broke me all over again. Hearing him speak so calmly, tossing me back into the past, ripping out the stitches of my self-worth, questioning myself: why I didn't deserve to be loved, why he did what he did to me....
Even as I write this, that feeling still lingers. But I know what to do.
2017 has been a journey of me being kind to myself, learning how to be alone and recognizing my self worth. When this happened, I wanted the support of friends. I didn't get that. So I am determined to be my own comfort. Every instant of self-reflection is not brought on by something positive. Most times, pain is what triggers us to be better. I don't have all the answers but I don't intend on giving up yet. No matter how much it hurts.

"Break-ups Breed Bodybuilders"!

"Break-ups Breed Bodybuilders".
To many, this may not make sense. But think about it: After a rough breakup, i.e having your heart ripped out of your chest, there are 3 kinds of people. The people who mourn forever and refuse to move on, the people that constantly look for new ways to move on quickly and the folks who spend time mourning but decide that they want to move on which ends up in attempts to better themselves.
I was the last one. I spent a decent amount of time mourning the person I thought I knew and loved. I didn't know what to do, I was lost, confused, angry, I hated him, I hated me and I didn't know how to cope with the pain. So at some point, I began recklessly flailing about, trying to ease the pain, date whoever, go out as much as I could, drink when given the chance, sleep with people to try to fill the void..... but of course, none of that actually worked.
At that point I knew that I would need to learn to treat myself, be kind to myself, LOVE myself and do whatever it took to make myself happy.
I was always interested in fitness due to obesity in my family but I was always with some guy who didn't like the gym, and I let that dictate to my own life.
So the first thing on my list was the gym.
I found my niche slowly, and my goals fell in place.....I won't lie, the results became addicting....for the first time in a long time, I had control! Control over my body, myself, my health! And its amazing how far I've come!
So, the gym life may not be for everyone. Let's switch out the word "Bodybuilder" for something that you've always had a desire to do?
"Break-ups Breed Writers"! "Break-ups Breed Travelers"!
Let's face it--being in a relationship can be wonderful. But there are things that many relationships will not allow us to do. Whether we don't have the time or whatever the case, after a break-up is always the best time to rediscover yourself and start over!

Monday Night Keyboard Spitting: The Feeling I Got When I Realized How Serious I was about 2017 Goals

It's like I didn't really want it until it was something that I wanted.
Unsteady about my own goals and just saying that I want it.
But now it's all I can see I'm always focused on it.
I had the power all along but somehow I thought I lost it
Only thing I lost was time, now I see how much it costed
You don't really want it until you shift your days and nights.
Ignoring the distractions, still never losing sight
We all think we're motivated until the shit gets tough
I'm here now, it's been so rocky but I still ain't giving up
I'm in it til the end, forget the people who said that I couldn't.
Because I swear on my soul, I'm gonna do everything they said I couldn't.

Self Esteem. Confidence. A sense of self worth.

Self Esteem. Confidence. A sense of self worth.
These are everything. When you want to start a new project, meet a goal, even have a solid relationship--self esteem and confidence are important.
You wouldn't start a goal that you weren't confident about finishing would you?
If you didn't feel that you could lose 20 pounds by the end of the year, surely you wouldn't have made that your New Year's Resolution.
I met a woman who seemed to be trying to better herself by going to the gym. We began talking and as we spoke, within in 2 minutes of our conversation, she lamented that she wouldn't find a man who wanted her because she's "fat, ugly and talks funny". She continued on but those words echoed in my mind. At first, the concept of someone speaking so lowly of themselves without an ulterior motive was foreign to me. But I realized that this wasn't her playing the sympathy card as so many others that I had encountered, this woman really saw herself in such a manner.
I had to take myself back to the days when I actually believed things like that about myself. The days when I believed that I was unattractive, stupid and flawed beyond deserving any type of happiness. I snapped back into the conversation, and told her exactly what I'm writing here:
Fake it until you make it.
This type of attitude doesn't and shouldn't apply to many things in life but confidence and self esteem are the main things.
How did she expect to start a successful relationship or meet her gym goals if she had no confidence or sense of self worth?
I went on to explain to her how much self worth allows us to be self reliant and how much more likely we are to cut off toxic people (especially potential life partners) who want to treat us poorly.
This conversation prompted me to take a look at back at myself and just how badly my low self esteem affected my very life through toxic friends and toxic relationships and how I would have saved myself a lot of trouble and heartache by walking away from such people. This woman would have to know that she can survive being alone so that it wouldn't make a difference if ever she needed to escape a bad friendship or relationship.
Today, I am teaching myself how to be alone and I am beginning to deeply enjoy my decision to do so.